Gain Some and Lose Some

Truth is this week is more like "Gain Some and Gain Some".  Granted it was the last week of the year and I alternated my time between sleeping, eating, watching TV and drinking . . . drinking A LOT.  I'm giving myself a little break here and deciding to focus on some of the other things I've gained, namely insight.

Things I've figured out this week:

1. At that point where I get close to a breakthrough and really improve myself; at that certain point in every self-improvement journey I have taken, I have quit.  I believe that I am, somehow, not worth it.  Logically I know this is ridiculous but emotionally I haven't caught up yet.  And, if I take that one step further, I can say that the reason I am overweight is that I don't believe myself to be worth the effort of treating my body well.
2. I have decided to lose weight for two reasons.  The first is that the healthiest I have been in 10 years was 5 years ago, directly following a 25 pound weight loss.  I don't believe in coincidence.  I know I need to do this to get my health (and sanity) back.  The second is that I am pretty tired of always thinking of myself as the fat one.  It's a constant thing.  Walking to lunch today with my friend I thought "I wonder if people are looking at how much bigger I am than she is".  If my friend told me that I would smack her silly because NOBODY has time to think about other people like that.  And, if they did . . . I wouldn't want to be their friend!  Ridiculous!
3. If I look at numbers 1 and 2 above, it follows logically that I have been unsuccessful in maintaining my weight loss because I sabotage myself.  If I believe that I am not worth the work and if I think that nobody else believes I am good enough as I am, then I can conclude that I am acting in ways that contradict my ultimate goal.  It makes logical sense that it is easier for me to be overweight and unhappy than to be proven wrong in my deep-seeded beliefs.  Emotionally I think it's because I lack follow through.  But, if I'm ever going to GAIN follow through, I need to get going.  Further (and in some ways more importantly) I need to get over my fear of failure.  Not trying to live a better life is cowardice.

Big stuff this week.  Tomorrow I'm going to try a new recipe from a book I saw on WeightWatchers.com.  If it turns out and if Mr. ShrinkingT likes it, I will let you know.